I am the Walrus
by Pamoly Dan
Summary: this story, like the song, was boredom and OTC drug induced, so OOC it's almost an original story.
1. Chapter 1

Yes, as the name implies, this was written on the train on my way to religion summer school. Woohoo! Time to get holy! Totally unpandariffic? Yes. By the sweet little way, I don't own Naruto. If I did I could save all of the Pandas with the truckloads of US money I'd be getting every day. Also, this is VERY out of character.

Much credits to Iscariot, Capty, Bing, Jen-Jen, Largo and Slartibartfast! I love fjords!

For all of you who didn't read through the previous blabbering:

**DISCLAIMER'D!**: I don't own Naruto (n'duh)

...and now for the real fanfic...

In a cluttered, stylish,urban chic room, the James Bond theme began to play. "Nyar! I, Bond, Itachi Bond, shall get all of the hot ladies and cool Euro Ninja Spy stuffy-thingies! Ph33r m3!. you massive, mass-like...mass! Oh you pathetic unsuspecting fools, blithering idiots, and ugly monkeys!Pwahahahahaaa!" Mr.Itachi Bond, the sexiest Euro Ninja Spy this side of Valhalla, frowned at his mirror . "Something is quite wrong..." How little he did know. Searchign through his clothing (strewn every which way in his beautiful artists loft in Manhattan) he found just what he was looking for: the perfect accessory for any sexy, homicidal bastard! "Yaysies, I found my cuff links!" Mr.Itachi Bond then proceeded to do his happy dance.But what is this! The cuff-links were of a dazzling 24 carat gold inlaid with diamonds and his jacket buttons were...SILVER! "Oh no," he cried, running around frantically in the most adorable chibi way, "I can't wear these!" Quickly, and most suavely (that's not a word is it? No? well, now it is. PANDA! I win the arguement), Mr.Itachi Bond executed a flawless dive roll into his main studio, launched himself into the air to perform a triple axis turn, and landed atop his coffee table in full arabesque with the utmost feline grace. (A/N: Judges? he recieves 3 Gai's and a Lee out of 4 Gai's> Only 3.5? C'mon!) His eyes roamed over the various "furnishings" of his loft: leather round segmented sofas, 52" widescreen plasma tv with surround sound and home theatre system, pile of plushies, bean bag chairs, POCKY, stuff, more stuff, and finally "Yay! I found it!" he squealed. Lifting the Magical Shroud of Mystery TM he spotted The Ark of the Covanent! "There's gotta be cuff links in here!" Itachi opened the golden box releasing blinding rays of pure white light from within it and from the light emerged..."Gasp!" he gasped.

A cloud of mist surrounded the figure and as it subsided a shiny odd-shaped, metallic object appeared; surprisingly it had really pretty black hair. "Hahahhaha! I caught you dressing up again, Itachi!" the figure laughed and clanked as he pointed at Itachi. The Ark of the Covanent, feeling terribly left out and ignored, silently excused himself and signaled to be beamed up to heaven. The subsiding mist created and eerie atmosphere in the room. 'Twas scary, jah. Itachi stared at the figure with the most intense concentration, his eyes full of confuzzleration. "Sasuke? What are you doing here? Why are you wearing a suit of armor? Did you mug Alphonse on the way here? (A/N: Go FMA!) Do you want some pocky?"Sasuke clanked in thought and valiantly replied "I am here because...I am. I don't know why. All that I remember is being abducted by Hilary Duff and just as I was about to escape I was transferred by an ion particle beam to Barbados. I had a turtlethere but I had to put him back becasue his mommy started to bite my leg. Then I swam to a place call Nooyawrk where not nice people yelled at me from yellow checkered cars and called me names and shoved hot dogs down my throat; they tasted like rat piss. Then the Pandas conquered the penguins and took over the world. The end!" Upon finishing his story, Sasuke grinned triumphantly and boasted an air of importance as if he has just discovered the meaning of life. An awkward silence passed between the two, cutting through the subtle traces of mist like a white-hot poker through a cheerleader's eye. It then continued out the door feeling that it had served it's purpose well.

Cicadas chirped in the passing silence, actually that was Sasuke. "Eeeh...ehehehehehehehehWAHHHHHH! I'm a cicada! Well, I'm gonna go eat a teletubby now! Byesieness!" and in a cute little armoured "poof", Sasuke disappeared using Kakahi's signature disappeary poofy move. Staring at the puff of smoke, Itachi sighed, took a deep breath, and prepared himself for a very dramatic moment; he raised his fists defiantly, lifted his eyes towards the heavens and let out a despaired, bellowing cry:

**"NOOOOORWAAAAAY! JAAAAH!"**

Meanwhile, in Naruto's hole in the ground (or house, whatever you want to call it), many mysteriously mysterious happenings were happening mooooost mysteriously...


	2. Chapter 2

Hello! Yet again I'm bothering you with my randomness! Woohoo! This is not only the first time that I've posted a chapter but it's the first time that I've written a second chapter to a story! Yeah! Pandariffic! PSATs and school in general suck, so that's why these are taking so long. Again, I'm soooooo sorry.

Okie Shmokies, on to the real stuff.

**DISCLAIMERNESS: **I do no own Naruto because if I did I would make Gaara love Sasuke with the intensity of 10,000 burning suns. Yes I would do that, I'm that nice.

Much credits to Iscariot, Capty, Yukito, Bing, Jen-Jen, Jin (I miss you), and Slartibartfast! FJORDS!

...from the darkness a loud, resounding "thud" was heard in the silence of the Konoha winter. A limp, golden haired boy lay in the center of the room, bathed in dramatic backlighting; his mouth moved but no sound could be heard. Finally, after the perfectly calculated pause of 5.3 seconds, a hoarse whisper escaped his lips. "'Twas he that brought this fate upon me, 'twas he that robbed me of my most precious treasure more precious than my own life: my _ramen _! 'Twas...'twas...t-" "'Twas Santa Claus, oh,that it was, it was it was that Santa Claus!" Kakashi interjected whilst doing a Dr.Seuss jig.

Naruto, devastated after his moment in the spotlight was snatched viciously away from him, jumped to his feet and shook an angry fist at Kakashi! "Like, totally not! I was like totally gonna say that it was The Ramenace! You're like so totally rude! I'm like gonna go back to like my trailer and like drink imported water!" Naruto stormed off to his little trailer with his name written on a piece of looseleaf taped to the door and yelled for someone to bring him Evian water. Still standing in the misty blue light, Kakashi rubbed his chin thoughtfully and wondered aloud "Who is this 'Ramenace'?".

A cloaked figure swooped past the open window laughing an evil, maniacal laugh and before Kakashi could respond (yeah, she was that good, that Ramenace) she swooped into Naruto's trailer, ravaged all of his ramen,took a moment to fully appreciate the firmness of one Kakashi's bottom, and perched on the nearest rooftop to inhale the sweet, salty scent."Just to let you know, I am the Ramenace and I assure you that by this time tomorrow the world will be mine. RaMeNrAmEn!" More dumbfounded than usual, Naruto hopped out of his slapdash trailer screaming bloody murder, most literally. The Ramenace laughed sickeningly towards the two cuties and the onlooking crowd of innocent and not so innocent bystanders. "i ThE hAmB-...rAmEnAcE sHaLl PiLlAgE aLl pEoPlE oF aLl tHeIr RaMeN! Ph33r m-!" The Ramenace was interrupted _quite_ rudely when a large shiny, metallic object crashed and clanked down on top of her. "My my my, what an unfortunate place to land, yes this is!" it mused as it stared down at the now dumbfounded crowd.

Naruto nearly had a heart attack.

"Sasuke- kun, like my total secret crush and wanna-be lover! What are you doing here?" Naruto screeched like a newly castrated howler monkey. After recollecting the scattered/exploded pieces of his cranium, Sasuke lay back on the Ramenace in a more comfortable position and pondered that thought. Finally settling on an answer, he responded"Sasuke has been all over the place today, that he has. Sasuke does not like this feeling. Sasuke will tell Maria. MARIIIAAAAA!". Meanwhile on Sesame Street, a small furry red monster dropped his cigarette and hurled his coffee at the television. "THAT DAMNED BRAT TOOK MY LINE!"

Atop the building and beneath Sasuke's polished metal girth, the Ramenace decided that it would be easiest to pass out at this moment as her dialogue was no longer required in this chapter. Sasuke, however, was incurably effervescent about finally staying in one place for more than two minutes. Naruto decided this was the perfect time to profess his love to Sasuke so he took a deep breath and yelled "Sasuke I-". "Sasuke I love you!oneeleven!", Kakashi yelled from nowhere. Total shockness!"I LOVE YOU TOO, KAKASHI!", Sasuke beamed. So Sasuke fell off of the roof into Kakashi's arms and together they ran off to Cancun, along with Kirstie Alley dressed as the Hulk, to invest in shoes made out of Starbucks Coffee...and Naruto died...and the Ramenace joined a Sisterhood...That's it.


End file.
